..

Its 11.41am and I'm wide awake from the flat white and cold brew from Symmetry offered by Chris, their talented barista. Been sleeping really little these few days for no apparent reason whereas J has been sleeping wayyyyyy too much. I guess he's returning his sleep debt for those insomnia nights while i'm in Korea HAHA.

Its been a 4 days since I've came back from Korea and its the first night J isn't here and i want him hereeeee T.T It isn't that i'm needy(its true), i just love having him here and falling asleep in his arms :') What's even better is both my parents are so approving of him and they've given the green lights for him to stay over and sleep in my room, YAY! He's the first too heehee ^^

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about how i said this love i have with J is milder than the previous. Oh how i was soooooo wrong. It isn't milder, i guess i grew up and learnt how to control my emotions MUCH better and only allow them to flow when i want it to(most of the times haha). You know how some people makes you wanna be mature for them, grow up for them or even be a better person for them because you know they deserve it? J does that to me.

He deserves so much more love and care for the person he is.

I'm gonna admit something i did secretly behind his back a few days back and i hope he wouldn't be unhappy if he sees this.

I was stalking his Facebook timeline and few days back when i had insomnia and after reading all of it, i was hungry for more informations about his past. He is one that seldom gives details about his past because of the way he is unless i probe further which i don't really do. Therefore, it led me to his private twitter account which no one knew about and i "hacked" into it. ACTUALLY IT ISN'T REALLY HACKING BECAUSE I KNOW HIS PASSWORD*DEFENSIVE MODE ON* HAHA.
But alright, if you're reading this, I'M SORRY BABY HEEHEE YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU :*
So, i went on reading through his tweets about his past blah blah blah and i felt i was in it. I empathised, i pity, i shared, i felt for him and i ended up tearing as i read on. I wanted to be there for him, i wanted to hug him and assure him its a passing phase and all is good. I wanted to be there to let him know how much i understand what he's been through because i had the same experiences and i would be his listening ear.

I understand his pain and i want to protect him with all i have.

It was like a younger J opening up to me about his insecurities and pain. Something the now J, wouldn't have. I know J is a mature adult, i know how much of a man he is but sometimes, i wanna be here or there, idk lol. I feel that such emotional connections would help forge a deeper bond between us. He makes me wanna give him my everything, do all the little changes i should do to grow up and be the woman he wants to marry.(He does already actually :DDDD) I see him as someone i can lean on, go to when i'm trouble and know that he will be there no matter what. Yet, i want to be a strong woman for him. I want him to know that i'll always have his back and he's free to venture out, strive to build a future for us and there's always a place called home for him at the end of the day.

I love him, so so so much and I do hope our paths never stop crossing.


Love,
Yi Ling x.