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Love.
It comes to you in many different ways, different types and you often get a different kind of feeling especially when you're in love with different people.

At the start of my relationship with J, i've asked myself this question countless of times "Do i really love him? Why is this feeling so different from what i had with S?" But of course, it took me soon enough to realise the difference. What i had with S, it was an obsession that tore me apart. An obsession of wanting his love so much that I've lost myself along the way. Maybe its him, maybe its me or maybe its just us, that very relationship was fated to be doomed the very night i said yes. I was madly in love and yes, i doubt i'll love anyone like i've loved S ever again. That love was too draining, it sucked most of me and whatever i had left was that hollow empty shell. It was irresistible, strong yet unhealthy.

This love for J, it came a little milder. It isn't that i don't love him as much, i guess i've learnt how to hold back a little love for myself. I've learnt to love myself before i could give J all that i have. J makes me happy, much happier. I go to bed everyday these past few months with a smile on face and wake up hearing his voice or seeing his messages because he makes it a point to end and begin each day with each other.(That, makes every single girl out there feel appreciated and it just shows he really do care about you) I don't have to fight for his attention like i did with S because his attention will always be on be. Despite having a part-time job, completing his degree and building up his very own business all at once, he makes it a point to never neglect me. And that, i am really grateful. I'm still a little needy here and there but i don't go crazy and start feeling a thousand insecure shit thoughts inside my head if i see him on whatsapp but he's not replying me or him not replying me ASAP. I guess i can only say J gives me security. He gives me enough love and tender care to secure my fragile heart yet gives me enough space to grow as a woman. I cannot be more thankful for that.

Its true how people always say that feelings isn't everything. Some people may be suitable for you and will bring out the best in you and the unsuitable ones will only bring out the worst in you.

S once told me that i will, one fine day, thank him for letting me go because he knows its for the best. I'm gonna thank him not for that but for leaving me at my most vulnerable and leaving me to fend for myself despite my pleas then to not do that. All that he has done made me more appreciative of everything J has done/is doing.

And this love i have with J, its fitting and it makes me feel whole.


Love,
Yi Ling x